The Washington Capitals have forgotten how to score. Except for Eric Fehr’s half-forgotten memory of a goal in the third period, the high-scoring Caps were completely impotent in their pathetic 4-1 loss to the Canadiens. You can chalk it up to Jaroslav Halak’s herculean 53-save night, the brownian motion of the Caps’ powerplay, or the ire of hockey gods at my shaving– it doesn’t matter. The Caps were found wanting in every metric.
We usually dedicate the segment of the game recap to highlights, but I can recall none tonight. This game was a 60-minute parade of sadness: the white team buzzing about sending ineffectual lobs at the net for King Kong Halak to swat casually. While the hockey tastemakers may spend the night picking players worthy of scorn, we’re going to cast a wide net. The whole of the Capitals roster failed to play up to level of the Habs.
Boo freaking hoo.
- Habs goalie Jaroslav Halak‘s unholy pact with 7th-century Carpathian sorcerer Janko Nepomuk Draždiak seems to have paid off nicely as only one of the Caps FIFTY FREAKING FOUR shots passed him. There’s no way he could repeat this performance Wednesday Night. … ::gulps:: right?
- Eric Fehr is the guy you want scoring the first Caps goal of every game, but that goal really should come before 55 minutes into regulation. We dig his 7 goals in 10 games against the Habs this year, but trying to further elaborate on it right now would be like watching a French movie without English subtitles.
- If Boyd Gordon is so pimp, why did he play only 7:39?
- Tripping and diving will never be coincident. If one happened, the other one did not.
- That reminds me, God I hate Maxim Lapierre. I’m not sure why the Hockey Gods decided to reward his acts of cowardice (two unsportsmanlike minors for diving) tonight, but let’s look at this positively, I think I found a new bulls-eye for my dartboard.
- This might be off tangent, but what the hell is wrong with Markov’s head here? His face looks like a fifth grader’s clay project that melted in the kiln.
- The Capitals Powerplay is a mess. No wait, a mess is what’s in a baby’s diaper. This is a freaking disaster. In the regular season, the Caps #1 Rated Powerplay was 25.2%, a mere 3.4% better than the second place team, the Nads. Now, the Caps are mired in a 1 for 30 slump, which is 3.3% for those counting at home. The problem is that everyone’s pressing. Where is everyone’s confidence? Why does the regular season feel like it was 7 months ago? On the Caps wasted 5 on 3, no one was positioned right, and even though there were no passing lanes, Sasha Minor and Nicklas Backstrom tried to force the issue anyways. And that’s when I reached for the Bottle of Jack. The Canadiens clearly know what the Capitals are trying to do. How about we try something different? You know, get some guys in front of the net, screen the goalie and put a rebound home. What? That kind of goal is not pretty enough for this team? I’m sorry.
But have no fear Caps Fans. On SportsNite, Craig Laughlin declared that the Capitals need to “STAY THE COURSE.” Which is always what I want to hear when the Capitals’ Season of Destiny is headed straight towards the Cliffs of Insanity. But now, all we’re left with are questions. Should Theo start over Varly for Game 7? Should Flash be exiled to the Pressbox for his ghost-like play during this series? Will Alex Semin ever score a goal again?
We’ll let you guys debate those answers in the comments below. But at least the Habs have already jinxed themselves. Let’s hope it works. We’ll see you Wednesday.
And one last thing: Don’t. Shave. Your. Beards.
