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Everything Clicks In Capitals 8-1 Victory Over Thrashers
Pretty Much Summarizes The Entire Night For the Trashers (Photos via AP)

Pretty Much Summarizes The Entire Night For the Trashers (Photos via AP)

As we prepared for tonight’s Caps/Thrashers game, we were alerted to three crucial things: 1.) The Caps had plane troubles again and had to depart for Atlanta very early this morning (per Capitals Insider) 2.) Japers Rink told us via Twitter that the Caps have never won in Atlanta on a Saturday night (0-3-1) and 3.) Capitals 9th string Goalie Brett Leonhardt made this awesome observation on Twitter: “There is legit spots on the ice in ATL where you can see the cement… guess the teams’ not the only ones mailing it in.”

Wow, huge #verbfail there, Brett.

But with these convenient excuses on hand, we here at the Russian Machine felt like it was a perfect night for our hometown team to have another mindless, letdown game and be done in by the dreaded “Reverse Lock.” Or – at the least – witness Sasha take 6 offensive-zone penalties and see just how hard Bruce could angrily stare at him without his eyes bugging out of his head.

But alas, we were treated to a blowout victory, as the Capitals took the Thrashers to the freakin’ woodshed and won by a Touchdown. … Sorry, it’s Saturday… I’m a little drunk… I’ve gotta do it:

VIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
(Ed note: fast foward to 1:47 mark)

On to the bullet points:

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By Ian Oland 9 years ago

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Eat It, Canada! Caps Beat Sens 5-2

If tonight’s blistering win over the Ottawa Senators is emblematic of anything, it’s our team’s enduring hatred of Canada (America Junior). Yeah, the country’s teams have been problematic for the Caps all season, but Canada really bit off more than it could chew when it overlooked the best defenseman in its country, Mike Green, for the 2010 Olympics. Taken with Tuesday’s victory over the Canadiens and John Carlson‘s OT goal to win the World Junior Championship, tonight’s beatdown is the icy punctuation on the Caps sentence: Eat it Canada. Eat it hard. Eat delicious buffalo wings.

The Caps have been caught unawares in the first period for the past two weeks, but tonight they broke the habit with a goal by… wait– what? Boyd Gordon? We didn’t even know he was playing tonight, and all of a sudden he’s the first on the board. Joined by vet Mike Knuble, the Caps ended the first frame with a two-point lead. The team cooled off, as it alway does, in the second period, but they came back with fury unleashed in the third. The Verizon Center was crackling with energy all night, and we look forward to a report from Ian “blogpocalypse now” Oland on his visit all night.

Let’s do the bullet points.

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By Peter Hassett 9 years ago

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Russian Machine Sometimes Breaks: “Groin is Good”
Semyon Varlamov's junk is no longer the problem.

Semyon Varlamov's junk is no longer the problem.

As the east coast prepares for another storm, the Washington Capitals suit up to face off against the Ottawa Senators.  And guess what?  We’ve got some injuries.  Stifle yourself.

  • Brian Pothier is expected to return to play tonight after recovering from a broken rib.  I’ve never had a broken rib, but I hear those things hurt like the dickens.  Imagine if you have to sneeze.  Yowza.
  • Quentin “Crazy Eyes” Laing is out tonight.  Apparently, he’s got some bad bruises he acquired from blocked shots recently.  I’m searching my memory right now, and I can’t recall anything remarkable from Quentin that doesn’t involve diving in front of flying pucks.
  • Semyon Varlamov continues his period of convalescence and unibrow-gardening.  Varly injured his jock over a month ago, but has since played a game with the Hershey Bears to test his progress.  After the game it was reported that he had another “lower-body injury”.  The hockey tradition of using these vague euphemisms led us to believe that Semyon had re-injured his junk, but we were wrong.  Tarik reports that Varlamov sprained his MCL, but — and we quote — “Groin is good.” While we dispute that there is anything inherently good about  the word groin, we are ecstatic that Varly may soon be back in the Caps line-up!
  • Tyler Sloan, whose financial projections are looking rosy of late, will not be playing tonight.  Is he injured?  Not as far as we can tell.  With Laing out and Alzner back in Hershey, isn’t this exactly the kind of situation where Tyler could be used?  Or are we gonna let that $1.4m marinate for a little bit before we put him to work?

That’s it for now.  If there are any more updates on tonight’s players, we’ll be sure to mock them mercilessly right here.

In other news, Blogfather Ian Oland will be at the game tonight.  My guess is he’ll be wearing one of our totally bitchin’ t-shirts.  If you see him, run up to him and kick him in the groin for me.  Cheers!

By Peter Hassett 9 years ago

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Off-Day News Update

Verizon Center is quiet tonight, spared from hockey games and gun fights alike. Despite that, this is in no way a quiet day for the Washington Capitals.

  • As we reported regurgitated last night, David Steckel has signed a three-year extension with the Caps.  We like to see Steck happy, but we are curious of this deal’s provenance.  The left winger is a serious grinder, tallying only 5 points all season, and he’s the only regular player in rotation on the wrong side of the plus/minus ratio (-1).   As always, we defer to the infinite wisdom of GMGM, who will forget more about hockey than we’ll ever learn.
  • Everything I said nice about George McPhee just now?  Forget it.  Tyler Sloan has also signed a contract extension.  Sloan is a swingman, which we think means he is good at neither offense nor defense.  When the Caps had a blueliner meltdown last week (Jurcina traded, Pothier injured, Erskine erskined), Sloan still didn’t play.  Sloan is -2 this season, but that number means very little from such a small sample size.  You gotta think Bruce Boudreau and the Caps management know something about these guys we don’t know.
  • Karl Alzner has been sent back to Hershey.  Does this mean that Sloan will be on a D-pairing on Thursday?
  • Caps prospect John Carlson is the talk of the town today after his OT win against Team America’s Hat in the World Junior Championship.  He showed impressive composure and patience in that breakaway goal, opting to shoot instead of risking a pass (a lesson his future teammates might want to learn!).  Carlson’s play deserves to be on every sports show’s highlight reel this week.
  • Not-captain Brooks Laich was on the Elliot in the Morning radio show on Wednesday morning.  He assures us that everyone still loves Theodore.  We are assured of this.
  • Tarik El-Bashir reports that Jose Theodore will start in goal against the Ottowa Senators tomorrow night (WaPo).   After having warmed the bench for what seems like weeks, Bruce Boudreau says, “We’re going to need Theo to play and we’re going to need Theo to play good. We’re going to need Theo to get his confidence.”  I love BB and his garden-salad-y wisdom, but this is crazy talk.  Sitting the guy in favor of Neuvy the newbie does nothing but rob Jose of confidence.  Although I’m alone on this among the RMNB staff, I think Theodore is a terrific netminder, and he possesses one of the best glove hands in the NHL.  If he’s having a crisis of confidence, the team should show him support.  That means giving him ice time, and — once he’s out there– not feed him to the wolves.  Bottom line: if Tom Poti learns how to clear the puck in the next 20-odd hours, all should be fine.

That’s all the news that fits for tonight.  We’ll be back tomorrow night to chronicle the Caps’ thunderous 6-1 defeat of the Senators, and what we predict will be the team’s first hat trick of the season (by Matt Bradley).  Stay tuned to see if we’re right!

By Peter Hassett 9 years ago

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Wednesday Webhits: The Frost King’s Best Links Of The Week

This week there’s one link in particular that should lead to some debate; whether the Capitals would be better off signing Nicklas Backstrom to a long term contract instead of Alex Semin.

There’s also a bit on one Cap’s under-appreciated skill, which Olympic team has the highest paid players, how to go about building a team, and who the top fighters since the lockout are.

I should note that I don’t think fighting is a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I do find it entertaining (when it’s done well).

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By 9 years ago

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T-Shirt Tuesday Part II: Canada’s Best Defenseman Snubbed T-Shirt + Huge RMNB Contest

We’re going to keep this one short and sweet. The Russian Machine thinks Mike Green is Canada’s Best Defenseman. Team Canada and Steve Yzerman thinks Mike Green isn’t even worth being in their the Top 7. Japers Rink thinks Mike Green was snubbed.

Simply put: Mike Green Doesn’t Get Any Respect. No Norris, No Olympics. What???!??! We here at RMNB are fed up. So with all these hopeless emotions filling our respective souls, we had to take these negatives and turn it into a positive. Thus after 20 hours of non-stop illustrating, sketching, and photoshopping, here is our latest shirt entitled “Canada’s Best Defenseman: Snubbed.” See the Full Size Graphic Below.

We are also Holding a Contest with this t-shirt design Until The Olympic Break: If you purchase this t-shirt and send us a photo of you in it, you go up on the website. No questions asked. If you get the shirt signed by Mike Green with photographic evidence accompanying it, you will enter a drawing (with the others who do so) to win a free t-shirt. If someone does the ultimate and gets Mike Green in this t-shirt with photographic evidence, you get two upper level tickets to an upcoming Caps game and a free t-shirt. And the Grand Prize would go to whoever manages to do so first. So who’s game? Caps Fans, It’s time to protest in style.

And oh yeah, one last thing, screw you Canada. We were going to root for Russia anyways.

Mike Green T-shirt Canada's Best Defenseman Snubbed

By Ian Oland 9 years ago

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C! Caps Beat Habs 4-2
Alex Ovechkin - Captain for the first time against Montreal
CAPTION GOES HERE

The Caps Are Now Undefeated (1-0-0) When Peter Wears His Russian Machine Never Breaks T-Shirt

Tonight The Washington Capitals began the second half of their (championship) season. Coming off a three-game slide, it was imperative that the boys show some aggression tonight. That they did– in a barn-burning 4-2 win over the Montreal Canadiens. The Caps now have a perfect record (1-0-0) while I wear my Russian Machine Never Breaks t-shirt.

Tonight’s game marked Alexander Ovechkin‘s first game as captain. We at the Machine don’t actually understand what this means, but we can say with certitude that the embroidered “C” looks totally bad-ass on his sweater. And while the difference the new captaincy brings to the team cannot yet be quantified, we know the Caps were a Brand New Team tonight. After a glut of lifeless play in the games following former-captain Chris Clark‘s exit, the boys were back in a big way at Verizon Center this evening. And the icing on the cake? Our boy, the controversial Alexander Semin, gets the lion’s share of the credit for the win tonight.

All that and more after the jump!

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By Peter Hassett 9 years ago

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T-Shirt Tuesday Part I: Yes, People Are Actually Buying Our Shirts
A Photo of Savannah Morrissey's Russian Machine T-Shirt

savvymomo5 – http://twitpic.com/wpbtd – @russianmachine my awsome new shirt

The Russian Machine wanted to extend a heartfelt thanks to fan of the blog Savannah Morrissey, or savvymomo5 on Twitter, for being the first of our wild and crazy supporters to actually post photographic evidence of a purchased Russian Machine T-Shirt. Yes, this is nice. No, she didn’t need to spell awesome right. Who needs that extra e anyways?

Well, for those of you who’ve had some cold feet, the Russian Machine Portrait T-Shirt is available in our store for the dirt cheap price of $14.95 and hopefully this will show some of you that you’re getting quality. Remember, in a previous endeavor, the Russian Machine has outfitted hundreds of Orioles fans, an ESPN analyst and sold t-shirts at the Legends Museum by Camden Yards. So he’s been around the block a time or two.

Like always, if you purchase a shirt and provide the Russian Machine with a photo, he will put it up for all to view either on the blog or our facebook fan page.

Later tonight during the Capitals game, we’ll have part 2 of our T-Shirt Tuesday: A New Mike Green Team Canada Protest Shirt. Until then, tata!

By Ian Oland 9 years ago

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Semyon Varlamov On Olympic Glory, Caps Rookie Dinner
Semyon Varlamov

A few days ago, I saw something on Japers Rink that might explain the Caps “lack of legs” lately:

“It seems the Canuck Nation owes a small thank you to the staff at The Loden Hotel in downtown Vancouver. When Russian superstar Alexander Ovechkin was held to just three shots in the Canucks’ 3-2 win over Washington on Dec. 18, it could have had something to do with the fact the Capitals’ rookie party had gone long into the previous night in the penthouse suite of the boutique hotel overlooking Coal Harbour. Some say Ovechkin saw his first sunrise on Canada’s West Coast.” [Vancouver Sun]

Obviously this is all speculation, so who knows if this really happened. Regardless, the Russian Machine gets it. It’s the holiday season for chrissakes. You can’t tell someone that’s gone to an Andrew W.K. concert that there’s something wrong with Partying Hard. Who cares if you have a hockey game the next day? We’re in first. We can take an L or two. You got that whole time-zone thing as a convenient excuse. Nobody will ever know.

Welp, somebody found out. I guess Ovi shooting golf balls through the penthouse window at 7am naked will stir up some attention (made up, don’t believe).

Anyways, we asked friend of the blog Fedor Fedin to brave the Russian Internets and see if he could dig up anything juicy about the Rookie Dinner. Well, he did.

And so, without further ado, here is a Translated Russian interview with Semyon Varlamov dicussing the Olympics, his stellar play before his groin caught on fire and paying his way through the Caps Rookie Dinner. Take it away Fedor:

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By Ian Oland 9 years ago

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Mike Green’s Second Geico Commercial

I’m not sure if I should ask, but if you haven’t gotten enough of the Geico Cavemen – and Lord Knows how could you not – here is Geico’s Second Commercial featuring Canada’s Best Defenseman, Mike Green. If you ask the Russian Machine for his opinion, this commercial is substantially better than the first, only because Mike Green is actually doing what he’s good at: playing hockey and mugging at the camera. No more of that silly “acting.”

So yes, this is a good hockey commercial. Why? Great dramatic lighting. Sweet Trick Shots. And a weird, almost confusing cameo by Head Coach Bruce Boudreau in the final seconds. Geico – you must have made a mistake – because this commercial is a pleasure to watch. As we did last time, let’s vote. How did Greener do? Let us know below:

poll by twiigs.com

By Ian Oland 9 years ago

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