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How to Be a Female Hockey Fan: The RMNB Guide

By Peter Hassett

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January 28, 2015 11:45 am

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The internet, as we all know, is a meritocracy. Especially in the hockey corner of the internet, who you are doesn’t matter so long as you bring high-quality, incisive commentary.

That’s why I– as a straight, white man– was so surprised and so disappointed to learn that some women were not being treated well online.

While some might assume that this abuse is a predictable symptom of the internalized misogyny endemic to sports and the abject failure of society to educate its young men on how to treat women as if they are human beings with rights and dignity equal to their own, I think that’s letting the women off the hook.

Let me explain.

Ladies,

Girls,

Women,

The only reason the boys are being mean to you is that you’re not being a good hockey fan. If you’d only learn and practice the basics of hockey fandom, you’d find that how you get treated has nothing to do with your being a woman or not.

I’ve prepared a list of very simple rules that, if you follow them, you’ll definitely be welcomed as another one of the guys.

Rule 1: Don’t talk about players’ looks

This is hockey. It’s about punching and hitting and sometimes scoring. It’s not the forum for remarks about how hot a player is or how good he looks. They’re not Chad Michael Murray and this isn’t season five of Dawson’s Creek. Have some propriety.

Rule 2: Get your facts right

It’s a simple sport, ladies. Before you shoot off your mouth about something, maybe do a little research first. That way you won’t look like a fool when you’re wrong, and then the guys won’t feel like they have to quiz you on your hockey knowledge– something they do only for the recidivistically incorrect, definitely not just for women.

Rule 3: Stick to hockey

Hockey isn’t an excuse to talk about a bunch of unrelated stuff. You’ll never be welcomed into the hockey community if you go off-topic all the time about whatever nonsense floats through your empty head. If you just blather on about frivolity, you’ll be spurned — and you’ll deserve it.

Rule 4: Don’t complain about fighting

Fighting is a part of hockey. Fighting is a part of hockey like wooden sticks and frozen ponds are a part of hockey. Fighting is a part of hockey like burrito launchers and RFID tags are part of hockey. Fighting is a part of hockey like chronic traumatic encephalopathy and opioid abuse are a part of hockey.

If you don’t get that, you don’t belong in the sport. You don’t belong in the sport like a marginal player teetering on the edge of re-assignment who is compelled to prove himself by getting repeatedly punched in the head lest he lose his roster spot and 90% of his income doesn’t belong in the sport. So drop your dainty “omg fighting is totes bad” act; you look like a dilettante.

Rule 5: Don’t embarrass yourself

Just proofread your stuff before you share it. People will respect you more if you don’t make lazy mistakes as women are wont to do.

Rule 6: Shut up about shirtless players

Why did you even mention shirtless hockey players in the first place? That was pretty random of you, women.

If you keep bringing up shirtless hockey players, you will lose all credibility forever. You definitely won’t become a popular hockey site that has gotten more opportunities than you’d expect given your track record of impropriety and prurience.

Before I conclude, ladies: you’re welcome.

Before you read this article, you probably thought that all those men who were being atrocious trolls to you online were doing so because you’re a woman and they’re grotesque neanderthals who have been conditioned to fear and hate you.

Now you know better.

Now you know that all people are treated fairly online according to their behavior and there is definitely no double standard going on. If you simply follow these rules, I’m sure the circumstances of your identity will become a complete non-factor in how you’re treated online.

And now… more shirtless hockey players.

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